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The Vampire Diaries: 20 Quotes That Prove Katherine Pierce Is Funny
2024/04/10

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On , Katherine Pierce is a lot of things: a vampire, a doppelganger, a human, a villain, an anti-heroine, a mother, and most of all a survivor - and Katherine Pierce has some of the best quotes in the show. Katherine learns a lot over her 500 years on the run, evolving from a teen mom shunned by her family into a fashion-forward, high-heeled she-devil whose greatest talent is outwitting those who seek to destroy her. Katherine Pierce is a flashier, sassier version of her shadow self, Elena Gilbert.

Katherine also has a wicked sense of humor, wonderfully dry -- like a desiccating vampire -- with a dash of sarcasm for extra flavor.

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Just like everything else about Katherine Pierce, her humor is distinctly her own. Her witty remarks are perfectly timed, and on various occasions, serve as a perfect tension cutter. Some of the best Katherine Pierce quotes in The Vampire Diaries prove how funny she really is.

"You Can Understand Why I'm A Little Upset That I'm On The Verge Of Being Defeated By A Sinus Infection!"

Season 5, Episode 2 “True Lies”

Though Katherine was upset that her human life had been taken away from her, she adapted well to being a vampire and carved out an impressive path for herself wherever she went.

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Katherine has been through a lot by the time she and Elena cross paths.

That’s why it pains her so much that losing her vampire healing abilities means that she might not survive very long.

Sure, she could try to outrun the Mikaelson siblings and stay one step ahead of witches, but a cold or a sinus infection is a surprisingly real danger. Her annoyance at the realization is palpable and also hilarious.

"God, You're Hot. Now Go Away."

Season 2, Episode 7 “Masquerade”

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Katherine might be manipulative and like to play her cards close to the vest, but she can also be incredibly blunt, saying exactly what’s on her mind. That’s the case with a line like this one, which is directed at . Matt, who maintains his human status throughout the show, finds himself in relationships with a few different vampires, and his looks and authenticity are remarked on by all of them.

Matt dates Elena before she becomes a vampire, Caroline during her transitional period, and even spends a summer with Rebekah. He and Katherine don’t have a relationship, but it’s clear that she’s another vampire who finds him attractive, but she also doesn’t have time for him when she’s in the middle of a scheme, and that likely saves his life on more than one occasion.

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"We Both Know I Could Rip You To Shreds And Do My Nails At The Same Time."

Season 2, Episode 4 "Memory Lane"

Katherine is back in town in season two. She manages to get inside Stefan's head and relive old memories of them together. Stefan wakes up and realizes that Katherine is in bed with him. Katherine, being a much older vampire, is much stronger than Stefan. She easily pushes him away when he attacks.

For Katherine killing and shedding blood is easy, almost second nature. Her line about being able to do her nails while spilling blood only adds to her sarcastic and evil humor.

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It causes a chuckle at the fact that Katherine really is capable of doing it.

“Ooooh, You Gilbert Men, So Courageous. How’s John, By The Way? Were They Able To Sew His Fingers Back On?”

Season 2, Episode 7 "Masquerade"

Katherine has a wicked sense of humor that works well with her character. It also garners a few laughs. In "Masquerade" of season two, Katherine has a bit of fun. She masterminds a plan to retrieve the moonstone by threatening Damona and Stefan.

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She also has a witch on her side, so she feels even more confident than usual.

Jeremy delivers a message to her from Stefan. Katherine isn't impressed and Jeremy tells her he isn't afraid of her. To which Katherine whips back with a comical line about chopping off John Gilbert's fingers.

“13 If You Don't Get To The Point.”

Season 4, Episode 22 “The Walking Dead”

Katherine doesn’t mince words when she decides to threaten someone. She also doesn’t make idle threats. This is one of the instances in the series, however, where it might seem like it is because the line is so flippant.

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When Bonnie is talking about the 12 witches who died in the same spot where she’s able to perform powerful magic, Katherine gets very bored with the explanation. She informs Bonnie that if she doesn’t hurry up and get through her explanation, Katherine might add a 13th witch to the site. Bonnie tends to be a very valuable asset for the core characters, including Katherine, so the audience doesn’t take this particular seriously, but Katherine’s temper could have gotten the better of her.

"Damon's Spirals Require A Little More Than An Overnight Bag."

Season 5, Episode 14 "No Exit"

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In season five in the episode, "No Exit" of , Katherine and Stefan take a little road trip. Damon is infected with a special serum that causes him to want to feed on vampire blood. Katherine is currently pretending to be Elena and hopes to rekindle a romance with Stefan.

Once they arrive at the motel, Stefan makes a witty comment about how much luggage Katherine brought. Katherine makes a comical remark about how when Damon is out of control, one never knows how long it will be. Hence, why it requires more luggage than a simple overnight bag.

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"Cold, Manipulative, Good Hair. You Really Are My Daughter."

Season 5, Episode 12 "The Devil Inside"

No one expected Katherine to have any family, much less a living daughter. Nadia makes her appearance and tries to help Katherine finish the transformation into Elena's body. However, the process is never simple. Katherine ends up killing the witch that was helping with the spell.

She does this by ripping out her heart. Katherine hates any loose ends. Nadia has no issue with it and even admits to not liking the witch.

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Katherine cracks a joke about Nadia being cold-hearted and having good hair. So Nadia really must be her daughter. It runs in the family.

“Ugh. Don’t You Ever Stop Crying?”

Season 4, Episode 6 “We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes”

When Katherine is sad, she doesn’t weep or hole herself up somewhere. Instead, she gets angry and targets whatever it is that makes her sad - or outruns it completely. That’s part of the reason she’s survived for so long in

That’s why Katherine doesn’t understand why she finds Elena crying so often.

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Elena, however, does find her emotions heightened as a vampire, and she leans into sadness just as much as she leans into anger. Katherine focuses her feelings instead, calculating how to use them.

"Do You Honestly Believe I Don't Have A Plan 'B?'"

Season 2, Episode 6 "Plan B"

When Katherine returns to Mystic Falls during season 2, she claims she's in town to win Stefan back. But the Salvatore brothers suspect she's not just hoping to rekindle a century-old romance.

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It doesn't take them long to learn she's using a lovesick Mason Lockwood to get her hands on the moonstone.

They have no idea just how diabolical her scheme is, but a jealous jilted Damon killing Mason on "Plan B" is an unforeseen but rectifiable complication. "" Nobody one-ups Katherine Pierce, especially the likes of Damon.

"Little Tip, Woman To Woman -- Don't Piss Off The Diabolical Ones."

Season 5, Episode 5 "Monster's Ball"

After Nadia takes Katherine hostage in season 5, "Kitty Kat" has no idea who her captor is, nor does she care.

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All Katherine knows is Nadia is a preferable option to Silas who has the same laser focus as Klaus does when it comes to getting what he wants. Katherine isn't big on women supporting women: all of her moves are transactional. But she must sense Nadia is in way over her head, dealing with a complete psychopath. "" is the best piece of advice she can give her.

“Something Tells Me That My Witch Is Better Than Your Witch.”

Season 2, Episode 7 “Masquerade”

Katherine is the kind of character who has backup plans for her backup plans. She anticipates a lot of the moves her enemies make against her.

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She also is quick to adapt if an enemy somehow surprises her. That’s the case when she comes looking for the moonstone in season 2 of .

By this point in the show, Katherine has impersonated Elena enough times to be aware of just who Elena’s allies are, including Bonnie Bennet. Knowing that there’s a witch on call to help Elena, Stefan, and Damon, Katherine brings a witch along for the search for the moonstone. As a matter of fact, she brings a distant relative of Bonnie’s, someone she knows has more experience and more magical knowledge. This particular Katherine Pierce quote isn’t simply Katherine being cheeky, but showing how well she plans ahead.

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"I Survived Childbirth, The Death Of My Entire Family, And 500 Years Of Running From An Immortal Hybrid."

Season 5, Episode 2 "True Lies"

Mortality proves to be challenging for Katherine in more ways than one, and during season 5 she's stuck in Mystic Falls, relying on the kindness of people she previously screwed over to survive.

On the run from Silas, fragile and an all-around hot mess, the audience sees a new side of Katherine in "True Lies," one that reflects the irony of her current circumstances.

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"I'm Sorry. You're Scared Of A Teacher?"

Season 5, Episode 6 "Handle With Care"

Katherine's almost completely inept when it comes to functioning as a mere mortal in the modern world -- with one exception. She's still a hustler. With Caroline trying to solve the mystery that is Dr. Wes Maxfield, Katherine sees the chance for some quid pro quo.

I'm sorry. You're scared of a teacher? Aw, honey, you really need to take a crash course on Villain 101. But luckily for you, I have an honorary doctorate.

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Katherine's unapologetic approach to everything she does, and her ability to charm even the likes of Caroline Forbes into providing her with food and shelter on season 5's "Handle With Care" is what makes Katherine an undeniable force of nature.

"I'll Be The Safest Psychotic B***h In Town."

Season 2, Episode 9 "Katerina"

Season 2 starts with a bang (or is it a bite?) with Katherine's arrival in Mystic Falls. With Original vampire Klaus Mikaelson hot on Katherine's high-priced heels, she's executing a plan to save herself.

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Stefan, Damon, and Elena don't trust Katherine, but if she's content to be sealed in the tomb when he arrives, Klaus isn't just all bark and no bite.

Katherine is comprised of almost entirely bad qualities, and she doesn't pretend otherwise. It's not great that Stefan stoops to name-calling, and usually, that kind of misogyny would be a no-no, but he's angry in this instance. Katherine can live with being bad just so long as she keeps living.

"The Cute One's Here."

Season 5, Episode 7 "Death And The Maiden"

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Season 5 is "Doppelgangerpalooza," and it takes the mystical energy of Amara, Katherine and Elena to complete a spell to bring Bonnie back from the dead by turning her into the Anchor. These three look-a-likes couldn't be more different. There's 2,000-year-old Amara, aka "Crazy Pants," (mostly) good girl Elena and Katherine, whose body is mortal but whose personality hasn't improved as a result.

Amara isn't even a blip on Katherine's radar, and when it comes to Elena, Katherine decided long ago that she pales in comparison to the great Katherine Pierce which is reinforced by her first words when brought together with her carbon copies: "

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."

"Do You Really Think I Want To Take A Road Trip With You, America's Most Boring, Self-Righteous Vampire?"

Season 5, Episode 3 "Original Sin"

With Stefan MIA at the start of season 5, a psychic connection between himself and Katherine and Elena gives them visions of his whereabouts. Katherine's circumstances have changed drastically. She's gone from being at the epicenter of a long triangle to the third wheel, forced to hang out with Damon and Elena.

Damon has to keep his enemy close thanks to Silas.

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"" Katherine hates Elena in any form be it vampire, doppelgänger or human. Petrova blood isn't thicker than water, and in Katherine's mind, .

" ... I Chopped Off This Douchey Guy's Fingers With A Butcher Knife Once. That Was Cool."

Season 5, Episode 5 "Monster's Ball"

When Nadia confronts Katherine about her past in season 5's "Monster's Ball," she has no idea just how many misdeeds her mother has accomplished in 500 years. What she discovers is that Katherine and herself are a lot of like as Katherine rattles off some information about her past.

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I also impersonated a teenager to get my ex-boyfriends to make out with me, staged a fake fight to trigger my lover's werewolf curse, ooh, and I chopped off this douchey guy's fingers with a butcher knife once. That was cool.

Katherine's quippy confession leaves out a lot, but Katherine has a knack for hitting the highlights.

“Apparently, The Universe Just Doesn't Want Me To Heal From Vampire Blood. Stupid, Universe.”

Season 5, Episode 7 “Death And The Maiden”

When Silas, Amara, and Qetsiyah join in later seasons, the connections between Katherine and Elena and the doppelgängers get even more complicated.

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The cure for immortality is completely drained from Katherine and she starts aging very quickly. There’s a prediction made that she might only have a few months to live, and when Katherine tries to use vampire blood to heal herself, it doesn’t work.

Katherine has long lamented that her life has been stolen from her because of becoming a vampire and her entire family being slaughtered hundreds of years ago, but being drained of the cure doesn’t even allow her a chance to live a human life because she starts to run out of time. Katherine blames the universe as a whole for her misfortune in this humorous quote.

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"Oh, I've Missed This Place ... Said No One Ever."

Season 8, Episode 16 "I Was Feeling Epic"

season 8 finale wouldn't be complete with the reappearance of Katherine Pierce who becomes an actual she-devil of hell. Things go full circle as the Salvatore brothers lure her back to the same tomb on season 8's "I Was Feeling Epic" which is the focus of season 1. "."

Mystic Falls doesn't hold many fond memories for Katherine, but is the small town worse than actual hell? For someone like Katherine Pierce, probably not, but , she ends up right back where she started.

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"Do You Have Any Idea What It's Like To Run In Heels? I Have Blisters, Damon."

Season 5, Episode 1 "I Know What You Did Last Summer"

After being force-fed the cure by Elena in the season 4 finale, Katherine is a disheveled, desperate mess in season 5's "I Know What You Did Last Summer." It's not surprising Katherine turns to Damon for help. She would never accept the fact that his feelings for her had changed since 1864. What is shocking is that it takes her so long.

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Do you have any idea what it's like to run in heels? I have blisters, Damon.

Katherine grasps that she's operating at a complete disadvantage. A former vampire with countless enemies, but her concern that being a fugitive is rendered even more inconvenient by her choice of footwear is classic Katherine, and gives the audience the perfect Katherine Pierce quote in .

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